The birth of a mother

When a baby is born, all awareness is on the baby. The baby, solely, is the focus of the celebration. Most seem blind to the transformations the woman goes through; she births her child and transitions into motherhood. After the birth, the woman is no longer just herself, she has the mother’s identity as a companion.

When my daughter was born, after a sweet and easy pregnancy, I couldn’t believe what had just happened: she was there, and she was perfect. She took her first breaths and opened her eyes, almost with what seemed a joy to have arrived, to be alive. Nothing in the best of my dreams had prepared me for how amazing this tiny, plump pixie was. I was waiting to embrace the elation of motherhood.

But when the nurses left, my husband fell asleep and the lights went dim, I looked at my child and…and that was it.

Days passed and no sign of pink fluffy clouds of maternal love. No rain of enlightening bliss coming from above; everything was the same as before I was pregnant, except for the cute stranger that had moved in. I felt compassion towards her and responsibility. She was defenseless in the new world, in need of care and protection. But where was her mother, why wasn’t she kicking in already?

My husband and mother couldn’t understand when I opened up; one couldn’t relate because she experienced an instant connection with her children, and the other blamed it on sleep deprivation and lack of gratitude. I felt alone, alienated, I felt like a monster unworthy of her child. I wanted to run away and was ashamed of that, of all my feelings.

When I saw the advert for the new Motherhood dialogues series from Parenting Across Borders I thought I should reach out. From the first contact, I was welcomed with open arms and understanding. During the sessions, I received the space needed to address my feelings. I shared my experience with other mothers and faced no judgment in return, no advice. Just the confirmation that these things can happen, that similar things happen, that parenthood, and especially motherhood is tough, and it takes time to adapt to it. The Motherhood dialogues created the context fit to address the pain, to listen and hear the struggles of other mothers, some of just a few months, others of a couple of years. The spotlight shifted from one person to the other and in this process, I became more grounded and noticed my pain subsiding, the thoughts getting clearer.

That slowly and steadily made room for my new identity as a mother. It made room for my daughter, and I started looking at her with familiarity and presence. She is here, and she is mine, and I am hers.

Through Parenting Across Borders and the Motherhood dialogues, I started accepting that even the most natural of processes take time and effort. I am making peace with it.

The author is a research scientist in life sciences. She works for a multinational that offers industrial solutions to the growing urbanised society. It was her work that brought her and her husband to the Netherlands in 2013, and stroopwafels that made her stay. She now lives in Utrecht with her husband, their nine-month-old daughter, and two cats.