By Mariana Gallo
As a seasoned traveler and experienced migrant, the proposal of moving to the Netherlands sounded like an exciting adventure. After living in six other countries and three continents, the challenges of relocating to Europe did not seem big. Matter of fact, I was looking forward to the stability that a well-organized country could offer. Only this time it was different. This was the first time I was going to it as a mother with a young baby.
I did not anticipate the challenges ahead. Motherhood had been, up to that point, relatively easy for me and with the usual challenges-physical, mental, practical-but manageable. But the first year in the Netherlands was probably one of the most challenging in my life. Everything I was used to doing in previous relocations like meeting new people, joining new groups, activities, had to wait until the baby allowed some time for myself. And that never happened.
I will not go into much detail on this difficult period. Apart from anything, I have very vague and blurry memories of it. I tried to reach out to people, organizations, institutions. I did not find much real help, which was frustrating, especially living in a country with a strong welfare state. One day, after a long struggle which meant that my mental and physical health had deteriorated, I saw (by chance) an event on Facebook that resonated with me. I do not even remember why or how I found it. Facebook was in those days my main source of information and (sadly) my main way of connecting with the outside world not only with people I knew but also through mothers groups, expats groups in NL, etc., (and this was even before the pandemic!).
When I heard about these meetings, talking about the struggles in mothering in a foreign country, it resonated so much. I tried to register and couldn’t. Another failure! I wasn’t going to miss the opportunity, so I just dropped by. It was a quiet and sunny Sunday afternoon and I introduced myself to warm and friendly Najuan and Mieka. They accepted me as an unregistered guest to the session and offered a cup of tea. I had not felt so welcomed in a long time, even in a place that I’ve invited myself to!
That was just the beginning. I found a space for reflection, sharing, and support. I found out that I wasn’t alone in some struggles, but I also real- ized some things didn’t have to be as hard as I was finding them. I met amazing women that became best friends and became a strong source of support in my daily life.
Parenting across Borders (PaB ) meant having a sounding board where I could offload and reflect on my challenges through the experiences of others. I tried to offer help in the little ways I could, as I was helped enormously by these conversations and connections. There were tears, laughter, connection, and lots of non-judgemental listening and understanding. And that… that changed everything. A lot happened after that first meeting, and I am convinced that was the beginning of a new, better stage for me. I could find the strength to tackle many things, I could find myself again, I could understand that some struggles were not mine only.
No parent has it “easy,” but I am convinced that being a migrating parent must be one of the most challenging things one can do. Many times facing double or even triple cultural expectations, finding little support, having lots of questions, and isolation. Of course, I am aware some people might have it much harder than me, and I am grateful for the things I have. I am grateful for the chances I got, for randomly discovering this dialogue session at Parenting Across Borders, and for having the courage to go, connect, and find some of the answers and support I was needing so much.
Sometimes people have asked me what to give a new parent. My answer is simple: support, support, support. The best gift, the main need. The gift I received from PaB helped me put myself back on my feet, and for which I am forever grateful.
Mariana Gallo works in the internal housing and habitat sector. She helps people and organizations learn from each other at the global level and supports projects that have an impact on people’s lives. Mariana has found invaluable support through the ‘Mothering across Borders’ dialogues and is also a member of the Parenting across Borders team.
