by Virág Füzi
It can be very challenging and confusing for mothers to raise their children abroad! As a foreign mother, I face multiple and sometimes conflicting views about parenting, from family members, friends, different people around, and media platforms. There are of course also different approaches to parenting in my own country of origin and that of the culture hosting me.
After receiving the wonderful news of expecting a baby, my husband and I suddenly found ourselves in the thicket of advice, a handful of tips, parenting books, cultural norms, and trends about pregnancy (illness vs natural process, what to be careful of), delivering a baby (in hospital, at home, with doulas, under medical control, natural birth, C section, birth preparation, giving birth with the presence of the father, etc…). And after the delivery, we found ourselves looking for information about the baby’s sleeping (crib, shared bed, carrier…) feeding (breastfeeding, formula, pumping, process of weaning, introduction of solid food), and the list is endless.
And I haven’t even mentioned myself and my newborn. The actual pro- tagonists of my own story. What are my needs, my feelings, the habits I had in my own family, and the temperament of my baby?
In this sensitive period, you want to feel good and confident about yourself. You want to be a relaxed mom, but different pieces of advice can put you under pressure, turn off your instinct and make you insecure and confused. And I haven’t even mentioned myself and my newborn. The actual protagonists of my own story. What are my needs, my feelings, the habits I had in my own family, and the temperament of my baby?
Sometimes when dealing with these overwhelming questions and advice, I ask myself, what if I just accept that things are not simply good or bad, what if I shift my problem-solving attitude? Instead of looking for the perfect solutions, I try to have an open and creative mindset: see things as they are and be curious about knowing them better. What if I just start following my child and my feelings? What if I try different approaches, ideas to see what works for me and also even allow myself to make mistakes? For me, parenting looks more like an art rather than a science or a user’s manual.
Books, suggestions, examples we see around us are great sources of inspiration though. I tell myself all I should consider is that they are not simply good or bad, because we all think and do things differently. I can try what works for me the best. Follow things that I can identify with and feel comfortable with as a mom. This will make my child feel good as well. In this way, I can slowly put together my own unique and colorful approach to parenting – a little Hungarian, a little Dutch, a little tribunal, a little natural, and a little… And probably the best teacher in this whole process will be my own child.
I am convinced that I can function the best as a mother if I let myself feel good about how I naturally and instinctively bond with and care for my baby. My baby will give me clear and visible feedback if what I am doing is good for him/her. It is all about the communication and connection between us.
Babies want their real, loving mamas and papas. All of us want to feel comfortable, loved, and secure.
Embrace the complexity of your child and love him here and now. – Zuko Manuka.
Virág Füzi is a mother and psychologist who supports internationals through their challenges of living abroad. Her mission is to help people discover their way of living a meaningful life.
