In this blog post, we invite you to read a conversation we had with Engelien Boonstra-Jacobs about her own perspective on sleep. She is a youth nurse, working at the consultation bureau (Youth Clinic) where she supports parents with children from birth till the age of four. She helps with different parental issues, of which sleep is a very common one.
In the sleep series, as you might have read in our previous pieces, we present different approaches regarding the issue of sleep, without necessarily endorsing one in particular but with the intention of giving parents a variety of perspectives on the issue.
“Parents often think that it is just the way it is. They assume that if they have young children, they will sleep badly. Or find themselves falling short, and have the feeling that they are not doing well. Parents blame themselves for the poor sleep of their children”.
This is something Engelien Boonstra-Jacobs hears a lot from the parents she meets at the Youth Clinic.
Engelien has three children, who are grown-ups by now. Her first child was a good sleeper until she turned one. At that age, her child developed major sleep problems. She reached out for help at the consultation bureau, where they acknowledge that the sleep problem was bothersome, but they did not provide guidance or give any tips on how to deal with it. She also reached out to her mother, who said that she just had to let her child cry until she will fall asleep. Engelien did not like this idea at all, so she continued with her search for other methods. She finally found a workbook by Ruttien Schregardus called workbook for parents with children with a sleep problem. This workbook guided her very well with her child’s sleep problem. However, it came down to the same point as her mother had said: let your child cry until they fall asleep. This method is based on the extinction theory, which assumes that if the unwanted behavior does not get any attention, it will extinguish.
Engelien still recalls that it was one of the hardest things she had done, sitting downstairs, hearing her child cry without being able to intervene. Luckily, she was not alone. She and her husband did it together. Looking back, she says it made them feel like they could handle it better because they had to go through it together. They felt like better parents, and she felt like a stronger mother. She says that this probably has influenced her other two children, who did not have any sleep problems at all.
Many things have changed between what she learned back in the days about the child’s sleep and what she teaches other parents at the consultation bureau. In the youth health care the basis guidline regarding sleep is from the Dutch Center of Youth Health Care (Nederlands Centrum Jeugdgezondheid)[1]. She uses the step for step method[2]. This method originated back in the 90s to support parents with young children. It helps caregivers to understand and map the situation in a short period. It also helps caregivers to provide targeted advice that is applicable, feasible, and effective in one’s own living environment. It stimulates parents in such a way that they themselves start looking for better insights and answers, and aims to strengthen their problem-solving capacity. The method focuses on the individual situation. With every difficulty, they look at how the child is doing during the day, if the problem has always been there or if it suddenly emerged, and how the parents want to be helped and what their ideas are. Engelien helps parents to look at themselves and their children without judgment. If they are capable of that, they often can figure out by themselves what causes the sleep problem.
Engelien mentions that there are many benefits of teaching the child to fall asleep on its own. It is often not possible for the parents to be constantly at their child’s bedside until they fall asleep. It is exhausting for the parents, and it is difficult to keep it up for a long period. However, it also depends on the situation and the parent’s preference. Therefore, looking at the individual situation is important.
Engelien believes that an important aspect regarding sleep is to talk about it, even if it is just to take off a load of the mind. She encourages parents to share their stories with each other, discuss the topic, learn from each other, and importantly, listen to each other.
Engelien completed a bachelor’s degree in Nursing, Nurse Society & Health – Youth nurse. She has over 20 years of experience in Youth Healthcare and worked both in cities and in small villages in the country. Together with her husband, she raised their three children who are adults now. In her free time, she likes to ski, read and sing.
- Nederlands Centrum Jeugdgezindheid | Home page guideline: Healthy sleep and sleep problems in children (2017)(ncj.nl)
- For more information about this method there is a book available in Dutch: Stap voor Stap, een stappenplan om ouders met jonge kinderen te begeleiden bij opvoedingsvraag, B. Uittenbogaard, et al.
